And in short order the existing Prince-Bishop was killed, everyone in the realm hating him for being a different religion. Glitterhoof immediately became the new Prince-Bishop, bypassing the restrictions Paradox placed on him. As you can see, Glitterhoof already had 8 courtiers- but those are the ones spawned in by his predecessor. Since all of them are Norse, I removed them from his court by inviting them to mine- and after this, I granted him independence. If you don’t do this, when he spawns in his own courtiers they have a 50/50 chance of being horses or your own culture- and since there’s then a 50/50 chance of them being useful male horses or useless females, it’s a good idea to maximise the chances of getting a male horse by giving him independence first. Finally, remember that you can only grant someone independence if they aren’t a de-jure vassal- so make sure you grant him a bishopric outside your de-jure territories.

In short order the independent Glitterhoof spawns in some horses to replace the courtiers I invited to my own court. Fortunately, one of these was a male by the name of Clever Hans…

…and fortunately, he was willing to join my own court. It should always be possible to get at least one male horse to agree to this, especially if you give him some gold, but if not then you’ll have to re-vassalise Glitterhoof- pressing a de-jure claim being the best way. You can grant landed titles to any male character within your realm, even if they’re in the court of one of your vassals, so by re-vassalising Glitterhoof you’ll be able to give land to any horse he’s spawned in.

While this was going on I briefly moved my capital from Nantes to Navarra before moving it on again to Marrakech, using the decision to culture-switch to the culture of your capital to change to Basque in the process. This turned out to be a mistake. The original idea was to use it to switch to Absolute Cognatic succession, but I ended up going for Elective instead- which in turn lets you elect females, making Absolute Cognatic pointless.

The next step was to land Clever Hans. Since I didn’t want to give up my own demesne, I demanded that the three counts ruling over Tangier give up their lands to be replaced by a horse. Surprisingly, they refused.

Despite this they were quickly put down, their lands being stripped away along with the castles, towns and churches of their own vassals. In their place Clever Hans was declared Duke of Tangier. You’ll notice that his surname is Smith- unfortunately, horses only have a limited selection of first names and only one surname. Considering that only Glitterhoof is ever supposed to appear, even having that many is kind of surprising.

Clever Hans quickly spawned in courtiers of his own, one of them being a mare by the name of Buttermilk. I quickly married her to Hæsteinn’s eldest son, Prince Ragnarr, in the world’s first inter-species marriage. His face says it all. No doubt horseplay soon followed!

Although he was completely irrelevant by this point, the independent Glitterhoof made me proud by joining a fight against the Umayyads. He certainly was one brave horse.

Back in Mauretania, I changed the succession law to elective. Since only Dukes can vote, and a Kings vote means more than a Duke, the only two electors were myself and Clever Hans and my vote took priority. I quickly nominated Ragnarr while he nominated himself, placing Ragnarr as the heir. Interestingly, being a Catholic in control of Mauretania makes your realm a ‘Crusader Kingdom’.

Upset by Hæsteinn’s eccentric behaviour, the Grand Mayor of Venice decided to try and rebel. To make an example of such neighsayers, Hæsteinn quickly sailed to put down this rebellion.

On his defeat, the Grand Mayor was stripped of all his lands- as were all the patricians of the Republic. A horse named Cincinnati, spawned into Clever Han’s court, was installed to replace him while more horses took over the various manors of the other patricians.

Back in Mauretania, I started revoking titles from all the Germanic vassals I’d originally given them to, having pushed through the council law that allows free revocation of titles from heretics and heathens. In their place I installed horses spawned in the courts of my existing horse vassals.

By 890 this was completely done, as shown here by one of the greatest councils I’ve ever had. Every ruler from the barony level up was replaced by a horse, including those in southern Italy and Sardinia. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that when non-merchant republic city and regular bishop vassals die they get replaced by randomly generated courtiers of your own culture, so while I was still a regular human they started creeping back in to the realm. Thankfully, all count-tier and above rulers remained horses.

Unfortunately, and only after waging a war against the Umayyads that conquered Tlemcen, three years later Hæsteinn finally died at 70. He did well.

Ragnarr succeeded him- not a terrible ruler, but one who didn’t even compare to his father. I selected the Seduction focus for fun, since there wasn’t any real need to boost his stats.

In short order he finally impregnated Buttermilk after many years of trying- paving the way for the first mixed-species baby to be born!

Meanwhile he tried chasing after other horses. Unfortunately, none of his targets were interested in horsing around with him.

Without Hæsteinn, holding together his empire quickly became impossible. Independence revolts began to take place, while the Duke of Tuscany attacked Rome and successfully conquered it. (Unfortunately, I somehow failed to take many screenshots of this entire stretch of time, so I can’t actually show that happening.) Only through Byzantine support were most of these revolts put down.

In 894 the first child was born to Ragnarr and Buttermilk- a human. There aren’t any child portraits for horses, meaning that they show up as the standard Western European child- but since Ragnarr has a Norse portrait, if the child also has that look then they’re a human.

Two years later a second daughter was born- and this time, a horse. Being certain that he’d never have to post a screenshot of her restoring the Roman Empire on the internet, Ragnarr named her Rainbow Dash.

[…]

Quickly growing up, Rainbow Dash was given an education focused on military skill. I chose whatever childhood focus gives a good chance of the ‘Rowdy’ and ‘Wilful’ traits, then the military focused education once she hit her twelfth birthday.

Although I’m still learning the new education system, the outcome was good- level three martial education, kind, diligent and ambitious for pretty good stats all around. Even more importantly she finally got a proper portrait. By this point though I was having a lot of trouble with rebels, while retaking Rome was made almost impossible when the Duke of Tuscany restored it to the Pope. Even worse, Ragnarr died of illness at some point, Ale becoming the new King. To stop outsiders taking advantage of my weakness, I dealt with the last rebellions as quickly as I could and then swore fealty to the Byzantines.

With this done I decided that Ale’s short and uneventful reign needed to come to an end- and since he fortunately had the ‘Depressed’ trait already, I simply made him commit suicide. Long live Queen Rainbow Dash!

It all began here with (who else) Hæsteinn of Nantes. When it comes to completely breaking reality, there’s no one better to play as- and starting with a powerless council, he also doesn’t have to worry about votes. I started by selecting the Scholarship focus, pretty much the only way to get the Lunatic trait early in the game, and started the ‘Build an Observatory’ event chain, choosing the ‘strange’ path.

This done, I conquered Sardinia from the two independent counts that rule it in 867. After an easy fight the island was taken, giving me a base in the Mediterranean. Shortly after this I made one Breton woman into a concubine, unlocking the ‘convert to Catholicism’ decision for later down the road- and more importantly I started preparing an invasion.

In 870 I launched the prepared invasion, against the Idrisids of Mauretania. Since Hæsteinn can invade any one Kingdom I spent a lot of time deciding on which to target. My original plan was to take Egypt, but the Tulunids continually allied with the Abbasids in my test games and made that impossible. Secondly, I considered Italy- but again, the Karlings all allied against me. Finally I went for Mauretania, since it’s a Shia sultanate at the start and so didn’t get support from its neighbours while also being a place far enough from the rest of Europe for me to expand in peace.

Over two years this was done, the Sultanate being conquered and the lands handed out to Norse courtiers. While waiting for the Necronomicon event to fire, I arranged a betrothal to a strong Norse baby and started conquering the Canaries and the OPM Infa. Unfortunately the Karlings decided to holy war Tlemcen for themselves, blocking my expansion in that direction.

After forming the (petty) Kingdom of Marrakech, the Necronomicon event finally fired. With this done I was fairly close to the event that gives out the Lunatic trait.

Shortly afterwards I was able to form the Kingdom of Mauretania. This would remain my primary title until Rainbow Dash took over.

While waiting on the Lunatic event, I decided to grab as much of the Mediterranean as I could using the Germanic coastal county conquest casus belli. Attacking Capua, Napoli and Venice, Hæsteinn won easy victories.

Finally the event fired, giving a 30% chance of becoming a lunatic. Thankfully I got lucky the first time. With this done the next step in my master plan was to wait until the Glitterhoof event actually fired- which is just a waiting game, with a Mean Time to Happen of 35 years. With the Scholarship focus redundant, I waited for the observatory event chain to end to grab a few more cultural points and some learning boosts, and then switched it to Hunting for the health bonus.

Venice was quickly taken like Capua and Napoli, being made into a vassal Merchant Republic.

Benevento, Amalfi and Salerno soon followed as I made sure to milk the Germanic casus belli for all it was worth. Only the Umayyads were a real threat at this point.

On the hoof, Hæsteinn conquered Navarra and also raised a runestone speaking of his crime-solving abilities, his flying long ship and his plans to remake the world into one ruled by horses.

Finally in 880, the Glitterhoof event fired…

…but despite all my excitement, when I actually looked it turned out to be a female Glitterhoof. Unfortunately this makes her useless- she has the ‘Horse’ trait stopping her being granted titles, marrying, or breeding, and as a female she can’t be nominated as a bishop. Only Catholics with free investiture can do this, and so even converting to Catharism or Messalian (both of which I considered at the time) don’t work.

This incarnation of Glitterhoof was quickly put down.

Continuing my conquests, I looted Rome, and with its defences broken, subsequently conquered it for 2% infamy.

Since the first Glitterhoof event didn’t work out, I kept my second eldest son in hiding to drive him insane. This worked out fairly quickly, although I don’t know if I was just lucky with him.

And since he was bored, Hæsteinn joined a cult worshipping the Old Ones, prepared to wake the most powerful of them, changed his mind, trying to kill it instead, and managed, slaying Cthulhu. All in a day’s work for Hæsteinn of Nantes.

Later on he instituted a truly insane law calling on violence to be made illegal and criminals to be rehabilitated and returned to society.

As I continued securing the Mediterranean empire, the Umayyads dealt with the Karlings.

IT WAS! You people have no idea how happy I was when I saw that. With this done, the first step is over. The next is to bypass the restriction on giving him lands by nominating him heir to a Bishopric.

First things first, I converted to Catholicism via the Breton concubine. The Germanic faith had served its purpose well, but was no longer useful.

Secondly, I took advantage of the council being powerless to immediately change the laws to Free Investiture.

Thirdly, I gave Glitterhoof some gold and honorary titles so that he’d convert to Catholicism. He really was so well-spoken.

This done I revoked the Temple of Redon in Nantes, held by a Germanic character. I then handed the temple to a Catholic, after which I granted him the county (which, for those who don’t know, makes the Bishopric the primary holding instead of the castle and makes the bishop a count-tier Prince-Bishop). This step is crucial- baron-level characters won’t spawn in courtiers, so even if you put Glitterhoof in control of one he won’t spawn in more horses.

Naturally Glitterhoof was immediately appointed as heir through the ‘Appoint Successor’ menu, him being the only other Catholic in the realm at this point.

At the same time I worked on building ties with the Byzantines with a marriage. This was soon followed up by a full alliance, meaning that I could get their support in various Mediterranean wars.