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Description
It was a very special day at ponyville schoolhouse. Today they had a new student joining their school. Say hello to your new friends Spike, Twilight said. Hey everypony “Spike said”. The CMC were very happy to see Spike finally joining them in school for once. Especially Apple bloom because she has a huge crush on him. Oh Spike you’re so dreamy “Apple bloom said”. But than Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon confronts Spike and says “eww… Cheerilee let an ugly lizard like you in our school hah you can’t even get a cutie mark because you’re nothing but a stupid dragon”. Hey I’ll have you know that I don’t need a cutie mark because all I care about is that I have friends who truly care about me “said Spike”. Pfft… they don’t care about you, all they care about is each other they never loved you and you’ll never have friends because you’re the biggest loser in ponyville “said Diamond”. sniff all I ever wanted was to be friends with you ponies but since you keep making fun of me than you can forget about it. Diamond than punches Spike in the stomach so hard that it causes fire to burst out of his mouth and then causes the school to catch on fire and killing Spike,Diamond, and Silver in the process. Cheerilee and all the foals evacuate the building except Apple bloom who promised if Spike were to die she would haunt ponyville schoolhouse forever tormenting anypony who dares step foot into the abandoned ponyville schoolhouse.
The End
The End
Right, well that has nothing to do with what we’re talking about, so…
Well even if I’m not the best writer or even the best artist, there are things that I am very talented at such as singing, acting, and even parkour so even if I’m not the best fanfic writer I still have plenty of other talents that not everyone can do.
Well, ultimately this has nothing to do with websites or mediums. It’s about your writing style. Everybody is rough around the edges at first but I feel that you’ve largely just been lazy. I really think you can do much better.
I’ve added the source of where I wrote this fanfic and also I’m still relatively new to sites like this one and what I mean by that is that even now I still don’t know anything about commissions, forums, polls, or even fanfics and I really just want to try and fit in with sites similar to this one.
Hopefully that makes sense.
Edited
Everyone makes errors on their first fanfic and it can come out clumsy and unreadable to most, but this is not really an excuse. I don’t see a link so I assume your fanfic is that paragraph in the description?
A couple pointers, if I may:
First and foremost a couple paragraphs isn’t really what I would consider a fanfic. In writing, it’s really important to have show vs. tell, which means knowing when to show a reader what’s happening, vs. just telling them, proper conflict between characters and themselves, such as inner dialogue and thoughts, and a functional story arc.
As far as grammar goes your quotation marks are kind of all over the place. You need to separate what characters are saying with a new line whenever dialogue starts with a new character.
Your sentences run on forever and seem to ignore commas and punctuation, which makes it very clumsy to read.
All in all you’ve lost your readers and I sincerely hope you try harder with editing and making your stories longer next time. You’ve sort of lost the readers with how incoherent it is.
And with a piece of advice: Derpibooru isn’t the best place for tossing your stories on. The rules on FiMfiction dictate that each story must be a minimum 1,000 words to publish. It’s really not so much when you really flesh out a short story. I’m betting you can do it :)
Best of luck!
It’s my first fanfic dude.