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Podbeing

“I don’t really want to be a walking teratoma, thanks.”
 
“Who’s talking about being a teratoma? Those things are lame. Teeth that don’t chew, eyes that don’t see, hair that doesn’t grab things, and they’re just…boring. They don’t fleshshift or do anything useful but take up valuable payload space! I’m talking about what would literally be the single greatest decision you could make for yourself. Look, from my perspective, you’re basically a gangly meat puppet with a giant bony tumor and some fat at one end, and it’s just dull. I mean, I’m willing to accept that you’re happy with yourself as you are now, boring as it is…”
 
“Gee, thanks. You’re all heart.”
 
“Don’t mention it. But…damn, there’s an entire universe you’ve never even imagined that I could show you. Here. Right now. Have you ever looked at someone, a lover say, and thought: I wish I could feel exactly what they’re feeling? That’s what I can do for you. Heck, I can show you things that feel a million times better than any kind of sex you’ve ever even imagined having, with anyone or anything. Or…how about this? Ever wanted to understand exactly what another completely different organism thinks and feels? You could feel what a pony feels, or understand what it feels like to be an ant, or a whale, or an eagle, or a million million other creatures on worlds you’ve never even heard of and never will. Or be able to change yourself until you’re as smart as you want to be, or so you can survive anywhere, under any conditions imaginable? You could live forever, as literally anything you’ve ever imagined. Even an entire world, or a thousand million worlds at the same time, if you wanted. Anon, all you have to do is join me, and we can watch time end together. Literally every advanced intelligent race is doing it. Come on in, Anon. The inhumanity is wonderful.”
 
“Sorry, no. And how did we get here from ‘what do you want on your pizza?’”
 
“Oh. Uh…anything but pineapple.”
 
“But I like pineapple. How does an eldritch abomination from beyond the stars not like pineapple?”
 
“Because it’s…eww. Just..ewww.”
 
“I’ll take pineapple on my half. Is that okay?”
 
“Hmmph…fine.”