Immanuel Kant was a real pissant  
Who was very rarely stable.  
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar  
Who could think you under the table.  
David Hume could out-consume  
Schopenhauer and Hegel,  
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine  
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
 
There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya’  
‘Bout the raising of the wrist.  
SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED…
 
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,  
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.  
Plato, they say, could stick it away;  
Half a crate of whiskey every day.  
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,  
Hobbes was fond of his dram,  
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: “I drink, therefore I am”  
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;  
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed!

Crack tubes!

@Andreas98  
And rule seven: no pear-pooftahs.

@Ereiam  
rule six: There is no rule six.

@Andreas98  
Rule five: No pear-pooftahs!

@FanOfMostEverything  
Rule four: I don’t want to catch anyone “not” drinkin apple cider in their room after lights out.

@Andreas98  
Rule three: No pear-pooftahs

@sumbozo  
rule two: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Animals in any way whatsoever—if there’s “anyone” watching.

Rule one: no pear-pooftahs!